new year, same ol' me
with minor revisions (hopefully)
I wanted to do a little 2024 roundup, but I’m done with retrospectives. Instead, I want to look towards the future and have thus focused my efforts accordingly. Like everyone else, I’m not immune to the start of the year craze of “resetting my life”, “getting my shit together”, and “becoming my best self”. In fact, as someone who believes her life is in constant need for improvement, I’m particularly susceptible to this kind of messaging. I have resisted such silly notions in the past, but this year, I was weak.
I bought a bullet journal. I set out goals. I watched all the YouTube videos. I listened to all the Podcasts. I read all the different Substack posts. And you know what I’ve concluded? The only things that work (and granted, we’re only two weeks into January so take this with a grain of salt) are the things that require 1) no initial investment of capital (i.e., no, you don’t need to buy that special smudge-free gel pen to start journaling) and 2) whatever can be scheduled within your already busy day-to-day life (i.e., don’t magically assume you’ll stick to a goal as vague as “knit for 30 minutes” without actually putting it in your calendar). It’s too soon to tell if these systems are working, but they’re working-ish. I’m also mindful not to get too attached to them as the most disruptive force known to humankind will be coming: a newborn.
habits I’m adopting in 2025
despite getting the “I-need-to-change-my-life-completely-in-2025!!!!” bug, I walked myself off that ledge and opted for simple ‘habits’ rather than goals, namely things I want to incorporate in my life in a sustainable fashion that don’t necessarily have a fixed outcome. I’m also letting myself change and adapt them wherever I see fit because it’s my life, goddammit!!
in January, I am making a habit of:
taking my morning medication,
taking my evening medication,
writing one page first thing in the morning,
drinking more tea,
stretching on my fitness ball,
30 minutes of reading,
30 minutes of knitting, and
30 minutes of walking.
However, I added a twist. I decided to include “MY WHY” right next to those trackers:
taking my morning medication —> for my mental health and baby’s health.
taking my evening medication —> for getting sleep and optimize iron intake.
writing one page first thing in the morning —> sort through thoughts and not use my phone first thing.
drinking more tea —> gives me calm.
stretching on my fitness ball —> prepare my body physically for labor.
30 minutes of reading —> learn, expand my knowledge, maintain a hobby I enjoy.
30 minutes of knitting —> finish the scarf I started 2 years ago.
30 minutes of walking —> for my mental health, bond with Ciku, and keep body active.
I’ve been good at #1, 2, 3, and 8, but very bad at #4, 5, and 6.
2025 predictions: pop culture edition
my gut feeling is telling me that a royal family member is going to die,
the beckhams will get divorced,
someone in the Kardashian-Jenner clan will get engaged,
rihanna and frank ocean will continue not to drop any new music,
some #couplegoals husbands like john krasinski, ryan gosling, dax shepard, hugh jackman (now in a new relationship), or keith urban will get cancelled,
elon musk will father another child,
and justin bieber will “retire” from public life.
2025 ins and outs
Leave a comment/send me a message if you agree or disagree. What is in for you and what is definitely out?
I’ve been…
admiring the transformative powers of being vulnerable with people you trust. I used to believe I couldn’t trust anyone with the contents of my feeble heart but I’m starting to become better at discerning who makes me feel safe. and when you share with people who are safe, it truly is transformative
balancing career and family and am convinced no woman can have it all, rather they change in priorities like the seasons
crushing on hot men with facial hair and glasses and the seemingly limitless supply of female rage
denying simple truths like, “no skincare routine can stop your genetic predisposition to stretch marks”, or “of course you have soreness in your abdomen, you’re carrying a baby”, or “no, they don’t hate you just because they don’t automatically know when and when not to baby you”
examining the utility of control in my life or is it entirely futile?
fantasizing days where getting out of the house is not a 20-minute exercise in putting on as many clothes as possible
getting a lot of looks on public transit when I sit in the “priority” chair so I try to rub my belly as the universal signal for “relax, I’m pregnant” but I don’t always look that pregnant, especially not under a winter coat and layers of fleece
having a good laugh rewatching The Office, which balances out the many frustrating moments I have rewatching Sex and the City
ignoring conventional wisdom that I should not doomscroll right before bed or first thing in the morning
jumping to lots of conclusions about what I will and will not struggle with during labour and postpartum and I’m scared I’m readying myself for all the wrong things
keeping a record of my feelings, which surprisingly, has kept a lot of them at bay
listening to what I played on repeat in 2024. here is the mix.
making do with mediocre, sub-par work. no striving for excellence around here - just want things off my table at this point!
napping … or trying to, at least. I have it in my schedule but it never happens and I don’t understand why when being sleepy is such a big personality trait of mine
organizing and getting a real kick out of it lately — in particular, baby’s wardrobe and my own skincare. everything in its own place. CleanTok is my jam!
playing this mobile game called Royal Match. I have abandoned many a mobile game, but this has persisted through the noise. I’m at level 4468 or something like that. I have no plans in stopping anytime soon
querying the Internet for wisdom about child rearing only to get overwhelmed and be more confused than when I started ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
reading baby books, finally! I’m on a romance moratorium and diving deep into positive (and maybe less so) birthing stories because it’s a weird mix of wanting to trust that my body knows what to do because it’s built for it, but also equipping myself with information that can facilitate the process
staring at my small screen, my bigger screen, and my even bigger screen, and sometimes my medium big screen and I’m all screened out. I try to stare at other things but then I don’t feel like I’m being productive since staring at a screen is my primary work task so it’s sort of a catch twenty-two — I hope when I start maternity leave, instead of staring mindlessly into the abyss, I will be spending all my time staring into my heart personified
tackling dog mom guilt. I don’t want Ciku to feel second best, and he most definitely is not! he’s my first baby, after all!! but how do I tell him that?
using my pregnancy as an excuse to sit down when I’m tired, allow people to fetch me stuff if they offer, and generally get a bit of extra special treatment even though I don’t feel I deserve it more than a regular, non-pregnant person. I remember lamenting to Elis, “you know what sucks? I want people to treat me like I can’t do anything, but I don’t want people to actually think I can’t do anything. Instead, people should simply know when I want them to baby me and when I don’t, but they don’t! it’s not fair!!” and yes, I know I sound insufferable
visiting the museum of Contemporary “Grass is Greener” and the Natural History of “What-Ifs”. more specifically, is the grass really greener once I have the baby? will my life transform and I will be rid of existential dread soon as I gain this higher purpose in life? is the grass greener in a country that isn’t hell-bent on making it as difficult as humanly possible to stay? or what if this is the best part of having a child and it’s all downhill from here? what if this is the best I will ever look and I should have worn that bikini before I got all these stretch marks? or what if now was the time I really focus on my career before getting bogged down by the demands of motherhood and I blundered it by believing I wasn’t good enough for greater things?
watching good movies at the cinema, like Robert Eggers’ Nosferatu. my next planned viewing is Babygirl and I’m so excited because as I mentioned previously, there aren’t enough erotic thrillers being made! I don’t want a new Bridget Jones where Darcy is dead, give me naughty, scandalous, people doing sexy things dubiously
xeroxing memories from this time—my pregnant belly, which I am already anticipatorily grieving. being just the three of us, which I know I will miss. bedrotting. flexibility to waste time. getting to still be The Main Character™️
yearning for sweet stuff. like, all the time. oreo cookies. chocolate ice cream. St. Paddy’s milkshakes. non-alcoholic eggnog. cream cheese frosting. crumble cookies. lemon meringue pie. fudge. lava cake. ice cream sundaes. cotton candy. churros. kipferl. esterhazy torte. kaiserschmarrn. american pancakes with butter and loads of maple syrup. fluffy japanese cheesecake. apam balik. pisang goreng. cekodok pisang. tepung pelita. I almost feel like dying from yearning… and because I live in an ascetic household where self-flagellation is the norm, I have not indulged in any of these treats and I feel like dying T_T
zooming into my skin, which is looking glorious lately, if I may say so myself. there is an old wives’ tales for predicting gender and looking great is a sign that you’re having a boy because they don’t steal your beauty. I don’t believe in any of that, but whatever is happening, I’m into it!
beautiful famous person of the moment (aka my new hyperfixation)
that’s it. no further comments.
postscript
as usual, thank you for spending some time with me. on my own personal 2025 bingo card, I have “send 12 newsletters out” and I knew that if I missed this month’s, and then the baby’s tentative arrival next month, that it would not happen. so apologies if this feels a bit rushed!
for every single one of you who likes, comments, and reads, thank you thank you thank you. I hope your start to the year has been slow and steady, setting you up for a successful year, in whatever form success may look like to you. before we part ways, tell me, do you have new year’s resolutions? or things you want to do by the end of 2025? or are you doing away with resolutions and goals altogether? please do share your thoughts!
this place is so much more fun when it’s a chat between two friends than a long-winded soliloquy (which it often feels like tbh, but I guess like any Shakespearean character, we all need one of those from time to time). but no pressure either way! again, I’m thankful for your readership and your friendship. sending you lots of love and warmth from my little corner of the Internet to yours.
lots of love,
eeshkie